Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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