He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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