somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
