Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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