Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
