You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
