God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
