bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
