God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
