Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.