I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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