i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
