you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
