I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
