well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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