Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
