I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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