If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bring me that man meat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
