Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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