I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
