Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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