Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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