I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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