I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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