worst night to have a conscience
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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