the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
