so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
