My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and she was petting her beer can
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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