so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
