I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
