Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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