every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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