we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
