you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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