3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
