If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.