Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want to ride his face like a jet ski