If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
