as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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