im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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