dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
