so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
