I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
