It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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