When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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