It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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