do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
