Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
