you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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