Welp...herpes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
