My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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