She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
