Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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