So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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