I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
