At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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