At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.