don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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